I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He shit in the fireplace
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
