My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
