i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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