Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
