Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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