my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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