I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
