U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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