@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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