I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
