He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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