Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
