It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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