There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
