I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
