who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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