She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
