As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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