it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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