This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
