Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
