Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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