Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
