ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
me + whiskey = a bad person
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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