Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
His hands were made for my vagina.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
