Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
