Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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