Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
