Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
