I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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