I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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