I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
