my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Someone signed my nipple.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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