Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
