Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
