I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
