he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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