So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You brought string cheese to the strip club
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I party with great urgency now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
