Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your penis caused this!
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