I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
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