look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
