i need an iv and a liver transplant
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
