can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
