the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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