I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
cat food counts as protein by the way
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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