Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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