I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
