i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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