I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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