Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
