i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
