mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
