I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
